What if his addiction saved me?

Growing up I suffered from depression and my brother suffered from addiction as I watched the movie "To write love on her arms" I was hit by the thought, what if his addiction saved me?! 

Because of his addiction I never wanted to even try drugs or alcohol, being afraid of what power they might have over me. There were times when I got so down I wanted to give it a try and I would have gone down that path, far down that path. But everytime I thought "that" another thought followed, "there has to be another way through". I look back at the possibilities my life could have been if I wasn't struggling with this illness, and wishing I could be stronger or a little more selfless. I regret the things I am unable to do. But after thinking "what if his addiction saved me?" I have thought thru the other person struggling with addiction I could have been and decided I am grateful that he did "protect" me. Not in the traditional sense, but he did without knowing, and I feel like I can now fully forgive him. He saved my life after all. 

Where have I gone?? Where will I go?? Do you know what you're getting into when you travel??

I ran into a bit of a problem today as I was filling out a visa entry form for my trip to India.. They asked me to list the countries I have visited in the past 10 years. I got to 10 countries and was told there was no more room.. what am I to do?? Maybe just list Europe as one and other countries outside of it?? List the places I have been in the past 5 years? Maybe list the places that stamped my passport? I mean I am no criminal but still!
This may be a reoccurring problem which got me thinking of other problems I have due to travel....it's quite a list. So to all fellow future travelers let me just give you a warning of what you are getting into.
1. People will always ask, where have you been… which I answer back, how much time you got, enough time for continents and regions or countries?
2. People will always ask, so what was your favorite…. so many great memories, just pick one and stick with it. Like a default setting, or go by their personality, adventurous? Asia or Africa. style? Paris, Milan or London will suffice.
3. You start to feel like a snob by default.. I mean I can't help it that I choose to spend my money on travel instead of a new car… memories last forever, a new car… and you get amazing pictures for every event, and a story for every question.
4. Eventually you learn to shut-up and if travel comes up you ask the other person where they have gone, or want to go.. you will then have to defend their travel experience by saying "Canada is a great country to visit.. no thats not lame its awesome and definitely a good start. Your a head of most of the US for at least leaving the country."
5. Friends will throw you to the lions come any party.. They will let everyone know you have traveled, better get your list and stories ready.

All in all I will pay the price, it is so worth it and I actually do love to share my experiences in hopes of sparking the wonder of travel in someone else.

Embracing my inner light

Sometimes I stop and wonder, if I wasn't facing the challenges I am today, who would I be? Would I be more giving, would I do more and be more? In my heart I want to do so many things but I have to determine where to place my "spoons" spoon theory here. (summary when you live with a chronic condition, you start the day out with so many spoons and you have to decide where to use them, where as when you are healthy you have unlimited number of spoons to use in the day)
Would I be a morning person? What is holding me back, my illness or the fear to embrace my inner light and potential.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of [a powerful] God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”     -Marianne Williamson

Thinking about that I used to scoff, and think but who is afraid to be awesome, everyone wants to be awesome... But as I have grown in wisdom and years I realized that I do fear my light, sure I let it glimmer but to let it become an unstoppable bonfire is a little unnerving. WHY?? If I let my light shine, that opens doors for change, and I'm not sure I want change or responsibility. I am comfortable being in that place where light turns to shadow, where I can make a difference but I am not giving my all, or everything. Even as I am raising money to improve lives and lower the opportunity for rape in India, I am scared.. scared of failure or scared it will be a success and develop into a bigger part of my life and reshape who I am.

Am I shaped by my challenges? yes, I grow and develop as I muddle through life, but would I still be me, if I was faced with a different life and challenges?

So back to my question if I wasn't facing todays challenges, Who would I be?

Adventures in India: Part Frustrations and Joys

First off I found this video that was shown at the Sundance Film Festival. It is a short film on what the people of India, especially the young girls, are faced with. 

http://youtu.be/A655AYdyXyM

My heart goes out to all those in the world who are faced with a bleak future due to their current circumstances. Why did I get to be so blessed??!! This question will hunt me forever I suppose. 

Anyway here are some memorable moments from India! 

Favorite moment of Indian culture

-being lost in BJR Nagar slum and being taken in by a generous family while we waited for Bindhu our guide to find us

- breaking it down on the dance floor at an Indian wedding with the bridesmaids while the groom in all his regalia watched from his white steed

Scariest moment

- being attacked by monkeys

(Thanks to Matt James & Richard Bruner for literally saving my life)

*they look cute and innocent... Don't be fooled

-driving up the Himalays, our driver was very good, and liked to go fast, especially around hairpin turns. Lots of tire squeeling.. 

Most nostalgic moments

-bathing Lakshmi (the elephant) in a river in Hampi

- hiking the Himalyas with pyma our guide

-watching the sun rise over the Taj Mahal

-charming a cobra (like a real one

-climbing onto an elephant via the trunk

- celebrating American Indepence day at the Delhi embassy

Most heart wrenching moment

- leaving 2 puppies behind knowing the hard  life of starvation and abuse

- hearing of alcoholics and abuse and knowing there is not really anything I can do for them

Most frustrating

- seeing such a big issue with Sex Trafficing, & being told we can't talk about it. All we can say is 'don't talk to strangers and be careful'

- lack of translators (but to our few translators, we are so grateful!! Urmi was one of our partners and translators. Urmi is on the left of Abby-the white girl) 

- working on Indian time ( very small percentage keep time, everything else runs at least an hour late) 

-Seperate standards for men and women

Most confusing

-head bobble means ok, but looks like they are shaking their head... Not to worry we figured it out after a lil' bit 

Most rewarding

-Going to slum near where we held summer camp, and some of the girls recognized us, ran over and sang 'baby shark' and showed us the macerana we had taught them

- Working at bridge camp with girls who are catching up in missed schooling due to child labor, child marriage, illness or sometimes just falling behind, and realizing the impact we are truly making

Most funny 

-Watching all the Indian men 'hit on' Hudson

-at a meeting with one of our partners, they asked us to search out child labor for them, but to do it 'undercovers'

Most angry

- auto drivers thinking they can rip us off and get away with it because we are white and don't know better or that we owe it to them

Best meal

- definently home cooked ones. Porri with hard boiled egg. 

-chicken kebabs are very delicious as well

-paneer shahi korma 

Most laughable

-The time we were taking an auto to the bus in Jaipur and the kid driving wanted some of Matt's good smell (right then!) cause he was seeing his girlfriend after work.

-Watching two of our partners let down their proffesional side, and just laugh, joke and be women. Especially when it came to scolding Richard. Or when Lata, one of our translators laughed at Richard for butchering Indian phrases either with pronunciation or timing. 

- "if I flew, I could fly off this mountain right now"

- "seat belts? You don't need those here"

Apparently India is safer then America 

Most impressive

- going out and seeing people carry huge heavy bundles(like 30-50lb bags) uphill in Dahrgeeling 

-crossing the street safely

-watching our partners dedicate everything (be it a lot or a little) to their cause

-despite the belief that India is a "dirty" country, they work hard to keep it clean. Multiple times each day I see women out on the streets and sidewalks sweeping the trash into a large pile 

- how much rice people can eat here. We are all wimps compared to them

Most stressfully repetitive

-barely making our flights (or buses) on trips. Seriously a miracle we made all of those connections 

-cramming into over packed busses

-figuring out what to have for lunch or dinner when I have 5 non-spicy dishes to choose from (same ones over the course of 3 months)

What I'll miss the most

- mango anything (fruit, lassi, milkshakes, ice cream)

-all the "Hello sister, how are you, bye sister"

-possibly bargaining with vendors

- the actual auto rides themselves

-the sense of 'community' in so many places 

- seeing all the bright colored saree's and bangles

- creatively making food in a rice cooker (there is a lot more make options then you think)

-tea stands with boost

- people's generosity when ever we walk into a home

- taking your shoes off outside to enter homes, temples and some shops

- people watching out for us on buses and offering us their seat once they leave.

-fresh fruit and vegetable vendors

-fresh coconut milk, strait from the coconut

- so many options of juice, including but not limited to pineapple, mango, litchi, plum, fig, pomegranate..

-pista ice cream

- kulfi (delicious 'homemade' ice cream sold on the street)

- finding random people who come up to us and offer their NGO connections for our program

- Naan, Chapati, Gulab Jamoon and all carb related food

- all the kids imitating the Americans, the way we laugh, or say 'hello' or 'bye'

- security guards to every store

Random facts

- there is very little machinery for road work, most is still done by hand

Things I won't miss

-boiled veggies 

-language barrier

- being charged foreign prices

- being in the limelight all the time

- soon as beggars see us, they target us for money until we leave

-spicy food

- haggling for auto rides

- keeping an eye out for any possible dangers and being on guard

-all the starving stray dogs

-trash everywhere

-avoiding any and all water outside... We assume it's water on the street

-not being able to just look at merchandise, there is some one always there 'showing' you more items. Even when you say you don't want them

*Photos were taken by various member of the HELP International 2014 India team. I cannot take credit for them all. 

**After being back in America for 2 weeks, I realize even more how blessed we are, but that because of those blessings, we also miss out on some of the important things. Like putting family first, what "community" means and entails. Finding joy in each other's everyday presence. We do most of these but it's funny how in America, I feel this rush, this need to get things done at a fast pace. While as in India, even though it is so much crazier, I didn't feel the rush as often. Your train came when it came, if a restaurant was out of a meal, they simply said they were out, no matter how early in the day it was. My struggle is now to merge the best of both cultures and live life in the moment, but plan for the future.

Calling for W.A.R.

This is a topic near and dear to my heart. I rarely get riled up about anything. But when it hear of disrespect and mistreatment it causes such grief at the unfairness of ot all that I wish somehow I could make a difference, hence my call for Women Against Rape.

This past summer I had the opportunity to live abroad in India, I have never in my life felt so blessed as I did after living there. Even in our "nice" apartment in India electricity was spotty, if you wanted cold(or even normal temperature)water, you had better get it at the begging of the day, otherwise the water was quite hot. The bedrooms became our new common area as our real common area had only 2 fans to disrupt the heat, and the bedrooms were blessed with AC that worked more times then not. The biggest blessing was in the form of washrooms. We had mostly functioning toilets behind doors we could lock at our convenience for some privacy.

In the slums there was no facilities for a toilet, let alone a bathroom. Before this experience I would have assumed no facilities would be the same experience as like camping in the woods in a tent. To answer natures call you would just have to go a bit away from camp, find a convienent spot and be done. The worst that may happen is some discomfort due to the lack of modernized surroundings.  

India is different, in the slums there is rarely a toilet. The "designated" place is at the edge of the community. But what if your community bumps meets up with another community as your city grows? 

What if you are an elderly person, and you have to walk out there over uneven ground with no defenses. What if you are a young girl who goes to take care of business at dusk (or midday) and a man finds you and takes pleasure where it was not his to take? With no one close by to help, she stumbles home with emotional, physical and mental scaring, knowing that that man will go on his way and she will never see him brought to a trial let alone justice. Her self-worth goes down, she may combat many various feelings and eventually feel she is of little for anything else. 

The statistics of rape in Andrah pradesh alone are staggering, in this single state of India 4 girls are raped everyday. That is not a statistic for the whole country, but just one state. My heart literally breaks at the thought of that. As one person I don't mean much, especially not enough to change the justice system or the social acceptabilities of India. 

I read of inspiring stories of how one person has made a difference, I'm not setting out to inspire but to take action. I can't send security in to protect these girls, but I can donate funds to see that soilets are built to provide a safer place for those girls and the elderly. 

The concept of soilets is a brilliant idea, similar to an outhouse with a small building built around a hole in the ground with a structure to sit on. The big difference is that unlike outhouses you don't need to keep relocating and digging holes. The introduction of worms to breakdown and decompose everything allows for a permanence of the structure. You can even go so far as to say it allows for improved business opportunities, once everything is decomposed it makes excellent fertilizer either to be sold or used on ones own garden.

The idea is catching and with the help of our partners in India, Sapid-heal, we have seen improvement in the areas where soilets have been built.

There is so much I have taken for granted, I often stop mad wonder why I was one of the extra blessed ones to be born in America in an area where I am afforded all opportunities and don't have to live in a state of uncertainty.
I have had the opportunity to experience so much of life, the good and the bad. I truly believe in living the width of life as well as the length. All these adventures and opportunities mean nothing to me unless I am able to some how able share what I have learned, and improve life where I can.
I don't take much joy from traveling unless I am able to share it in a way to create a positive change and an understanding of cultures.
I don't believe this blessing is due to luck of the draw, or a coincidence either. What if I was given much because I can do much. I think we all have a potential we can reach if we strive for it. We all have gifts and talents and knowledge unique to us; by sharing we make the world a better place, and in return we are given more, call it karma or God but it is true. 

I want to leave earth better then when I came into it, this is my life motto.


What am I doing about it?? Here take a second to consider a donation.
gofundme.com/qab26a 

I am just me

I am just me, not noticeable in any particular way. I'm not shy, but I'm not outgoing. I'm not an introvert and I'm not an extrovert. I am not the athletic type, but I am not a bookworm either. 

Growing up I always found someone I wanted to be like. It seemed everyone was defined by something. I was just me, no one in particular. 

I would get self-conscious over the things that made me different. Like in PE in middle school, my legs where sticks, and I noticed how everyone else had great calf muscles. 

I wasn't the girl who sat in the corner and was cute shy so people would come up and talk to me. 

I wasn't the girl who new all the answers or would talk in class.

I wasn't the artist, or the dancer or the mathematician. 

I was a wanderer. From group to group, from friend to friend. 

I realized I am just me, just average me. 

I never won a scholarship. 

I was just another face in the crowd. 

In fact if anyone noticed me at all they decided I was stuck-up. 

I wasn't the girl who was going places.

I wasn't the one teachers wanted to watch and couldn't wait to find out what I would do in life. 

I am just average me. 

I am just a girl, who turned a quarter of a century, who could hardly wait to turn 25 and rent a car. 

I am just a girl who dreams of adventure and travel, but is tied to reality to often.

I am just a girl who both loves time to myself, but is terrified of being completely alone in life. 

I am just a girl whose heart has been broken and mended.

I am just another face in the crowd. 

But once a day, I live to make someones life better. 

I'm not striving to change the world, because after all, I am just me. 

What happens when you travel the world?

One of the most common questions I get when people find out I travel and work as a travel agent is some version of, "don't you get scared?". Umm yes but I'm faced with a choice to either stop and let fear control me or face that feeling. 

Yes as a blonde girl I get lots of unwanted attention, but I get it no matter where I go. 

England, France, Colorado.. You name it. 

One moment that made me the angriest is when someone told me "I would never let me daughter go to xyz place". That's fine as long as it's for the right reasons. 

Qualities a fine traveler has

1. Recognize the difference between scared fear and this is not good fear

2. Be adaptable

3. Be friendly 

4. Be brave

5. Be tolerant and understanding 

-- this one is hard for people from the United States. We are all about time. Try going to India or France and things do not run on time. I waited 1.5 hours for a train in India once. This makes catching a flight tricky at times.