After talking with a friend I realized I needed to share my story in the hopes that someday it might help another.
I suffer from Depression & Anxiety. My whole life I have felt the effects of depression one way or another, when I became a teen it became a very prevalent part of my life. I remember getting home from Barnes & Noble with 3 or 4 new books, and they sat un-touched for weeks. Normally I would have devoured those books in days. I read a few magazines that had questions to see if you had depression, after answering yes to many of them, even affirming to myself that I had thoughts of death, I realized the severity of it and I felt broken. So I continued to hide it from everyone, in Junior High I began self-harming a friend had come across a written copy of my very dark and depressive thoughts and informed my mother, but the self-harm didn't stop. I remember trying to stop once, and that lasted a few months. We tried many options, but growing up I remember people saying that "you don't want to be on a pill for the rest of your life". So when a different friend, whom I had partially confided in suggested I see a doctor and get help, I replied with the "I don't want to live my life like that, depending upon a pill for happiness". Pretty soon the self harming got worse, I went from just occasionally, to weekly, to daily, then to multiple times a day. I couldn't go anywhere with out the comfort of a blade nearby. I became numb to all feelings, how I must have burdened some friends, revealing part of my feelings, and then closing off. At this point I had thought of Suicide many times, had thought how I would do it. I remember a few times I actually started to go thru with it, but then couldn't at the last moment.
College I finally gave up self-harm for good, but that didn't stop the mental-self-harming. I tried my best to hide it, fearing if I was found out no-one would want to be around me. It affected school work and social life, but I managed to, for the most part, be "normal".
I tried to revive the ability to feel and care again, but even to this day I don't feel I have gotten it all back. I made it thru college, but just barely. I soon found new friends at home, a new job and a new start. The darkness only became unbearable every few months, I would just lie and say I wasn't feeling well as an excuse to get out of the plans.
I couldn't let anyone in to see that part of me, because I knew I wouldn't be liked or wanted anymore, so friends and boyfriends were kept at bay. I would become that "poor Ashley" someone to tiptoe around, to not invite because she was sad and who wants to be around a chronic sad/numb person. I had so deeply convinced myself of this, that I would do anything to not have that secret found out. I loved and supported all my friends and those around me no matter what happened. Of course there would be love and support from them, but for me I didn't think it was possible.
After 13 years of suffering I had finally had enough and went to the doctor, we tried a combination of meds that started to work and there was hope. However it didn't last long.
Soon my job was affected by my depression, I felt so much pressure how could I keep up?
I went abroad and came face to face with the reality of my situation, this might actually kill me one day.
I had a great support team both abroad and at home, between them and my faith in God above I was able to finish. But I was now suffering from PTSD, I came home and couldn't socialize the same, I got such anxiety that I began to push everyone away. The thought of being in a room of people gave me a paralyzing anxiety, so I stayed away. After almost a year and a half of this, I decided to try again, and visited a psychiatrist to deal with the trauma, and went back to the doctor. At this point we realized it was more then depression I was dealing with, but severe anxiety as well. We again started to try new medication which gave me hope when things started working. It kept the balance a lot better, but still I felt so numb most of the time. I was no longer thinking of suicide on a daily basis, but things still weren't great, the anxiety was under control, I could face normal everyday situations without that paralyzing anxiety. Around this time I began to feel beaten, how much longer can I keep up this fight with my brain and depression, how much longer can I keep filling the cracks and convincing myself I was wrong. I was worth something, I had so many people that loved and cared about me, I do make a difference, people want to be my friend, and on and on it went and goes still.
I still haven't found my answer, but on those rare good days when I can actually feel the happy and not force it, I have hope in a better day. I have hope that this is not all in vain, that God does have a plan for me.
Because of my depression I have become more caring and compassionate, stopping to listen and validate others. This battle may never end, but I will overcome and win, I will not let this disease take my life. To all those in my life, and I do mean everyone, whether we were BFF's at one point in time, or whether we have just exchanged a word or two, you have made a difference in my life. So many have said just what I needed and they may never know.
College I finally gave up self-harm for good, but that didn't stop the mental-self-harming. I tried my best to hide it, fearing if I was found out no-one would want to be around me. It affected school work and social life, but I managed to, for the most part, be "normal".
I tried to revive the ability to feel and care again, but even to this day I don't feel I have gotten it all back. I made it thru college, but just barely. I soon found new friends at home, a new job and a new start. The darkness only became unbearable every few months, I would just lie and say I wasn't feeling well as an excuse to get out of the plans.
I couldn't let anyone in to see that part of me, because I knew I wouldn't be liked or wanted anymore, so friends and boyfriends were kept at bay. I would become that "poor Ashley" someone to tiptoe around, to not invite because she was sad and who wants to be around a chronic sad/numb person. I had so deeply convinced myself of this, that I would do anything to not have that secret found out. I loved and supported all my friends and those around me no matter what happened. Of course there would be love and support from them, but for me I didn't think it was possible.
After 13 years of suffering I had finally had enough and went to the doctor, we tried a combination of meds that started to work and there was hope. However it didn't last long.
Soon my job was affected by my depression, I felt so much pressure how could I keep up?
I went abroad and came face to face with the reality of my situation, this might actually kill me one day.
I had a great support team both abroad and at home, between them and my faith in God above I was able to finish. But I was now suffering from PTSD, I came home and couldn't socialize the same, I got such anxiety that I began to push everyone away. The thought of being in a room of people gave me a paralyzing anxiety, so I stayed away. After almost a year and a half of this, I decided to try again, and visited a psychiatrist to deal with the trauma, and went back to the doctor. At this point we realized it was more then depression I was dealing with, but severe anxiety as well. We again started to try new medication which gave me hope when things started working. It kept the balance a lot better, but still I felt so numb most of the time. I was no longer thinking of suicide on a daily basis, but things still weren't great, the anxiety was under control, I could face normal everyday situations without that paralyzing anxiety. Around this time I began to feel beaten, how much longer can I keep up this fight with my brain and depression, how much longer can I keep filling the cracks and convincing myself I was wrong. I was worth something, I had so many people that loved and cared about me, I do make a difference, people want to be my friend, and on and on it went and goes still.
I still haven't found my answer, but on those rare good days when I can actually feel the happy and not force it, I have hope in a better day. I have hope that this is not all in vain, that God does have a plan for me.
Because of my depression I have become more caring and compassionate, stopping to listen and validate others. This battle may never end, but I will overcome and win, I will not let this disease take my life. To all those in my life, and I do mean everyone, whether we were BFF's at one point in time, or whether we have just exchanged a word or two, you have made a difference in my life. So many have said just what I needed and they may never know.
