Last day in Chiang Mai

Whew, ok back on the band wagon here. 4 days left in Thailand, 3 in Bangkok and 1 in Chiang Mai. We had a wonderful last day in Chiang mai. I really love this place. After  our delicious breakfast of toast, eggs and sausage, we met our transportation guides to take us up the mountains to Flight Of The Gibbon zipline.
We picked up two couples on the way to form our group of six.  Jamie brought the GoPro which was incredibly handy and perfect.
 They have some you can rent there as well, and they are pro at securing the GoPro to the helmet. Anywho, we headed off  to our amazing adventure after securing our harnesses.
We went from one zipline to another, each one just as thrilling as the last. Going thru all the tree tops I started feeling like George of the Jungle. Or maybe Tarzan as I didn't hit any trees. Our two guides were awesome and quite entertaining, it could be because both Jamie and I were the only "available" girls there or maybe it was because they are so friendly. Either way they were great.

A couple of the ziplines we went down side by side, perfect setting for the cute and romantic couples!! My favorite line we flew down like superman. Thank goodness neither of us was terrified of heights, if you are terrified of heights don't even attempt this activity!

Side by Side

 After an hour or two of riding the lines, we went back to headquarters and had a delightful lunch, followed by a ride out to a gorgeous waterfall and short but slick hike.

We ended our day with our (growing favorite) roti for dinner back in the heart of Chiang Mai :)

Ok so it was Roti and smoothies. I just can't seem to get enough of either one...

Peace Love and Blessings-Me

Warning: this is a story about life and the courage it takes to live it

**Just a note, this was a difficult but much needed post to write. Even as I write this I am in the midst of one of my darker moments. But I know others are out there, and need to know we can get thru this. Don't lose the hope, believe in better moments to come. Remember there is joy ahead, even if just for a moment.**


Robin Williams died. Much controversy is surrounding his suicidal death. He is in a better place, don't glorify his death... To me he should be applauded for hanging on so long, but we should sorrow he couldn't stay a little longer for his family and all those who look up to him.

People often comment on how crazy I am for traveling, or how they want to be me. This year, 2014, I have travelled a lot, but not without good reason. Besides the standard learning and culture gained while traveling, it also gave me something to hold on to. Many years ago I never thought I would make it to age 22, so as a celebration of reaching 25 (one quarter of a century, a big landmark event, ) I have knocked several items off my bucket list, to enjoy life and gain perspective. Yes it has been hard traveling and dealing with mood swings, but sometimes going out with others who are happy just to be alive lessens the darkness.

In India I met so many who showed me unconditional love, and I hope to "pay that forward" 

When I have a trip planned it becomes my anchor in the darkness, "if I can make it to that trip, if I can go and not let those travel companions down..." These thoughts become my mantra until the darkness passes.

Some mornings I wake up and the only thought I have for the day is.. "I hope to feel loved today"

Mine is a story that started long ago. Life was good, growing up, I had no idea we were tight on money, because we were rich in love. However somehow I convinced myself many a time that I wasn't loved. I remember one such episode during a tea party squirming out of my mothers lap convinced I was adopted (which I wasn't) and crying out "you don't love me, how could you love me! I was adopted and you love me less" although I was 100% biologically theirs and 100% loved.

Perhaps that is when the signs began. My parents did much for me to show their love, because they did in fact love me. As life went on, I continued having minor episodes. I often sang "nobody loves me everybody hates me. I'm gonna eat some worms" (which makes no sense at all in fact) I was tender hearted as a child and I was unintentionally hurt by much that went on around me. 

I remember when it became a more permanent part of my life. We had just gone to the bookstore, ( I was an avid bookworm, perhaps as a means to escape the world).  I had purchased 3 new books I was excited about, the top priority was "girls of many lands: spring pearl" however once I got it home, the books sat there. I had lost all desire to read almost overnight. 

The Year IT became more permanent and extreme

After a week or two I was looking thru a book,(you know one of those informational ones) when I stumbled across a 'quiz' to determine if you were suffering from depression. After answering yes to many of the questions, I knew I was suffering but didn't know where to turn. 

Things escalated from there, we tried lots of cures every now and then. But we all assumed it was just a short phase I was going thru in relation to being a teenager. But one day turned into one month that turned into a year. Soon I was just to ashamed and frightened to speak of IT. I was different in a huge way, and I didn't want to bring others down. I wanted them to be happy, so I felt a conflict within myself.  Do I stay around others in attempt to be happy, or do I stay away to allow them to be happy. I struggled with that decision, Oh how I needed others around, but I didn't have the emotional or physical energy to be "enjoyable". It gets exhausting putting an act on every time you go around people. I opened up to a few but in the end they always left, and soon it became to painful to bare. 

I lost the love of my life in this battle. My best friend and confident, a wonderful listener and a cure, on days I could muster my energy I would go out, saddle up my horse and go for a good ride. But as the depression deepened I lost motivation to go out and ride my beautiful girl. When we sold her I cried all my tears out. That was the last time I had a "good" cry for many years. 

http://www.snowyriverquarterhorses.com/mares.html

You see when you have a crater in your mind you think something is wrong. And there is something wrong, it's just not visible to the naked eye, it comes without rhyme or reason. It is almost a cancer of emotions, your brain turns on you, instead of rational positive thoughts you fight a silent battle in your head, everyday, against your mind.

Back to the analogy of the crater, that is literally what it is, not a whole, or a pit. It is a crater. The craters I have seen are always huge, it takes a few hours to hike down, (often it looks like a quick jaunt, but it is deceptive) it's not something you can easily fill, it would take lots of man power and time to fill those craters. 

So it is in my mind, there is no quick solutions, we can bandage it sure, but the crater is still there. Lurking, waiting to make it's appearance when you least expect it. Often there are no signs, one day I'm happy loving life, the next morning I am down. One thing that frustrates me is knowing people want and are willing to help, and are waiting for me to let them in, however when I don't even know how to help myself, how can I tell you? Sure there are little things that comfort, but often those don't exist, when you are in a complete state of not-caring, of emptiness.

That time of my life was awkward and hard (as it is for everyone) going thru junior high, I hid that part of myself deep inside where no one could find it. I believed if people saw how I truly was they would opt out of friendship which hurt worse then keeping that part of me under wraps. So I began to block all emotions. The thing about blocking emotion is that you don't get to pick and chose what emotions you block, they are all tied together. Kind of like, you know no sorrow and therefore you also know no joy. Only instead of blocking sorrow you fall into a pit, a lonely pit. The human body is meant to feel emotion. When you don't, you become frustrated, and need to feel something yet again. But to truly feel real emotion is to risky so you substitute it for something else. 

*Photoshoot with Mykele Kennington*

I don't like to think back on that time. I had moments of rescue. A good friend, a young women leader, a seminary teacher and a dance coach. They came in moments. But none was ever permanent enough to fully confide in. 

During those years I became a very good actress, putting on a genuine smile, making people laugh or setting that inner self quite for a time to lend a listening ear, but it came with a cost. 

I began to think of myself as lazy. Everything required so much energy. School, socializing, working out. Getting out of bed...Especially getting out of bed. Everyone determined I just wasn't a morning person, when in fact I love mornings, but getting up was asking to much somedays. It was safer to go back to the land of nothingness where I wasn't depressed, where I didn't have to pretend to be happy, and loving life, I didn't have to worry about acceptance. I just had to be me, or rather I just had to fall into a blissful state of nothingness. 

Nap Taking in London after a long day in the City

As you can imagine this made so many things difficult, things like school, working and going out with friends seemed like a marathon somedays. I was annoyed that I didn't want to go out. I liked people, and that's what this time of life includes right? Because I was annoyed it lead to more self-criticisms, which brought me lower. It was a vicious cycle, cropping up when least expected. Finally I'd had enough after 13 years of a lonely war, which felt never ending, I opened up to a close tight group of friends. 
That may have been one of the most scary times of my life. I was afraid their friendship would fade away, or they would always treat me as if I needed space.  When in fact I needed the opposite, I needed someone to care but not push. To say I love you and when your ready I'm here for you. Be close by but not invading, entertaining themselves so I don't feel pressured. 

I'm so happy to say they did stick by me, and offered 200% support, which I feel to this day, and aids me in fighting battles, even, and especially, when I'm alone. 

I have started down a path, but it isn't over. I'm learning to enjoy the journey and open up and allow people to help me. I believe helping people is the reason we are alive. 

So here is to many more years of joy to come!

Resources that have helped me

http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-everett/2014/06/what-its-like-to-be-in-love-when-you-have-depression/

http://www.mormonchannel.org/enduring-it-well/41  
*This is what helped me realize I can have a life and family, even if my depression never goes completely away.

http://twloha.com/blog/between  

*Again another article that helped me realize I am not alone.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/pre-post-transition-post.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

* Very well told (& Illustrated) But be warned there is swearing in her posts. 

Chooti the Lucky Elephant

At last!! the long awaited day for Elephants!! We arranged a hotel pickup, so as we waited we indulged in the traditional breakfast of egg, meat and toast. (I prefer a sweet breakfast but Thailand definitely has me thinking twice about breakfast.)  We were soon picked up and taken out to the mountains surrounding Chiang Mai to the panda tour elephant camp run by Mr. 'Coconut'



 We began with introductions to all the Elephants. (He owns a lot of female elephants, and they have one baby named chooti, (which means lucky))

   

We had a whole bag of bananas to feed the sweet guys, and boy did they love them and weren't afraid to ask for them. An elephant does not know the meaning of a "personal bubble" obviously. 

Thankfully they had given us clothes to change into so we wouldn't get out own dirtied by elephant love.

I love elephants, but learning how to climb on is always a heart racer for me. In India we climbed on by walking up their trunks. In Thailand we climbed on to their foot and then once they raised it high enough we literally jumped onto their back. Sometimes that is a big jump, once on the elephant they surprised me by saying we were now going for a ride and I was driving!!! Ahhh

Our Mahout walked along side so we wouldn't totally get lost or go for a run, or end up wandering around Thailand ( and thus becoming a myth of Thailand). Once on our way our elephant knew pretty well where to go, we walked and walked and finally came back to the river where she proceeded to walk thru and then stop. She was done.

We got her to lie down and proceeded to give her a good scrubbing bath. They gave us coconut husks(? Im not positive on that) but it acts as a loofa and gets 'sudsy' as well, and when we are done the elephants enjoy the treat.  Some of the local kids jumped in and joined us as we were giving her a good washing. In fact they decided I needed a good washing as well and started throwing buckets of water at me and then laughing hysterically. Be warned though, this is elephant territory soooo the water wasn't exactly 'clean'. Somethings float and you just have to watch out for them..



It was such a relaxing moment playing in the river while watching the elephant. It was just us, our elephant, the 2 kids, our Mahout and one other guy to take photos. The river was the perfect temperature and our elephant... well everyone was in a playful happy mood.  We finally climbed out and went to retrieve our clothes to 'shower' and change. Sometimes it is an adventure learning how to work around the 3rd world way of things. Such as the showers, they were in the bathroom stall with just a spicket coming out of the wall up high. But it got the job done, and we were rewarded with some delicious homemade thai food for lunch.

After lunch we were waiting for the truck to come pick us up to take us over to river rafting. Mr. Coconut brought over the extra bananas and we went over to baby Chooti and his mom, and passed time feeding the two gentle giants.  We even got surprise elephant kisses courtesy of Chooti, sounds sweet, and it is, but it is also wet and dirty. I wish we had those pictures but just as we were enjoying the moment the truck pulled up to take us river rafting on a bamboo raft.

We blew kisses to Chotti and climbed aboard the Rafting Express. shortly later we stopped along the road and climbed down to the bamboo rafts and took a leisurely ride down the river, past many elephants. (Is that not the life??)

Once we were back at home, we were once again ready for food, so we started wandering the street, but nothing was standing out, so we turned and walked down the street and picked up our first ever Roti.  Roti is like a fried stuffed crepe filled with whatever deliciousness your heart desires, (unless its out of season, like strawberries) We found a delicious thai restaurant to complete our meal at... so much food! After we kept walking and stumbled upon the Sunday Market. Surprisingly the market was much bigger then it appeared and full of treasures. The perfect way to end the day! 

PS This is how you get off an elephant…. Slide down the trunk.  Nothing like a little adventure to start of the morning.