A will to live

Its time for a candid update…

After talking with a friend I realized I needed to share my story in the hopes that someday it might help another. 

I suffer from Depression & Anxiety. My whole life I have felt the effects of depression one way or another, when I became a teen it became a very prevalent part of my life. I remember getting home from Barnes & Noble with 3 or 4 new books, and they sat un-touched for weeks. Normally I would have devoured those books in days. I read a few magazines that had questions to see if you had depression, after answering yes to many of them, even affirming to myself that I had thoughts of death, I realized the severity of it and I felt broken. So I continued to hide it from everyone, in Junior High I began self-harming a friend had come across a written copy of my very dark and depressive thoughts and informed my mother, but the self-harm didn't stop. I remember trying to stop once, and that lasted a few months. We tried many options, but growing up I remember people saying that "you don't want to be on a pill for the rest of your life". So when a different friend, whom I had partially confided in suggested I see a doctor and get help, I replied with the "I don't want to live my life like that, depending upon a pill for happiness". Pretty soon the self harming got worse, I went from just occasionally, to weekly, to daily, then to multiple times a day. I couldn't go anywhere with out the comfort of a blade nearby. I became numb to all feelings, how I must have burdened some friends, revealing part of my feelings, and then closing off. At this point I had thought of Suicide many times, had thought how I would do it. I remember a few times I actually started to go thru with it, but then couldn't at the last moment.

College I finally gave up self-harm for good, but that didn't stop the mental-self-harming. I tried my best to hide it, fearing if I was found out no-one would want to be around me. It affected school work and social life, but I managed to, for the most part, be "normal".

I tried to revive the ability to feel and care again, but even to this day I don't feel I have gotten it all back. I made it thru college, but just barely. I soon found new friends at home, a new job and a new start. The darkness only became unbearable every few months, I would just lie and say I wasn't feeling well as an excuse to get out of the plans.
I couldn't let anyone in to see that part of me, because I knew I wouldn't be liked or wanted anymore, so friends and boyfriends were kept at bay. I would become that "poor Ashley" someone to tiptoe around, to not invite because she was sad and who wants to be around a chronic sad/numb person. I had so deeply convinced myself of this, that I would do anything to not have that secret found out. I loved and supported all my friends and those around me no matter what happened. Of course there would be love and support from them, but for me I didn't think it was possible.

After 13 years of suffering I had finally had enough and went to the doctor, we tried a combination of meds that started to work and there was hope. However it didn't last long.

Soon my job was affected by my depression, I felt so much pressure how could I keep up?
I went abroad and came face to face with the reality of my situation, this might actually kill me one day.
I had a great support team both abroad and at home, between them and my faith in God above I was able to finish. But I was now suffering from PTSD, I came home and couldn't socialize the same, I got such anxiety that I began to push everyone away. The thought of being in a room of people gave me a paralyzing anxiety, so I stayed away. After almost a year and a half of this, I decided to try again, and visited a psychiatrist to deal with the trauma, and went back to the doctor. At this point we realized it was more then depression I was dealing with, but severe anxiety as well. We again started to try new medication which gave me hope when things started working. It kept the balance a lot better, but still I felt so numb most of the time. I was no longer thinking of suicide on a daily basis, but things still weren't great, the anxiety was under control, I could face normal everyday situations without that paralyzing anxiety. Around this time I began to feel beaten, how much longer can I keep up this fight with my brain and depression, how much longer can I keep filling the cracks and convincing myself I was wrong. I was worth something, I had so many people that loved and cared about me, I do make a difference, people want to be my friend, and on and on it went and goes still.
I still haven't found my answer, but on those rare good days when I can actually feel the happy and not force it, I have hope in a better day. I have hope that this is not all in vain, that God does have a plan for me.

Because of my depression I have become more caring and compassionate, stopping to listen and validate others. This battle may never end, but I will overcome and win, I will not let this disease take my life. To all those in my life, and I do mean everyone, whether we were BFF's at one point in time, or whether we have just exchanged a word or two, you have made a difference in my life. So many have said just what I needed and they may never know. 

5 tips and tricks to survive traveling 3rd world

Having lived in a few different countries I have felt my own variations of homesickness. I mean lets face it, life outside of the USofA is different. So to combat I have come up with a few tricks to keep that homesickness at bay.

1. Bring your favorite treat (gummies, popcorn, gum, chocolate etc). chances are they wont have it or it tastes different. Even though I have found my favorite treats in each country, after a time you start craving that one thing and it helps just to have a little taste of home to keep you from going crazy.

2. After travelling and at times sweating in places that aren't up to Americas standard of clean, I start feeling like crap... for whatever reason taking some time to really "pamper" myself makes me feel better. Whether that is washing clothes, shaving my legs, putting lotion on those said legs, or going somewhere nice that requires you to ditch the traveling clothes and dress up.

3. Take a rest day and do something "American" like going to a movie, taking a nap, reading a book, finding an American restaurant.

4. Before you leave pack something you enjoy (food, a book, music, clothes, products for great hair) and when you hit those days where you start wondering what you were thinking in going abroad, pull out your "sanity pack".

5. When you first arrive, write down the things that amaze you and that you find fascinating. When you start having days when you cant remember what you liked about travelling pull out that list. Be candid when writing it.

No Shame in stopping at the Krispy Kreme for a donut every time we went thru Bangkok

Thailand offered great, cheap smoothies



Loved the gate art in India





Every now and then we come up with crazy ideas that provide many laughs and stress relief

My favorite thing to watch at big sites is everyone posing, when you don't have the
perspective their photographer does, people look hilarious.

Take a step back and watch all those people..

Sometimes if you just remember the magical feeling of arriving in your dream destination it is enough

Everywhere has a heart warming moment if you look

Watching how excited everyone gets (adults and kids) when they see the magic come alive

What tricks do you have when travelling?

Pray for...

Normally when a tragedy happens I see and post about "Praying for...." but with events of the last few days let alone the month and year I am at a loss of what to say and do. Prayers and thoughts are all well and dandy but what else are we and can we do to help? Everywhere needs help and thoughts, no where has been immune to tragedy.

This year alone we have seen Flooding in Chennai India, Earthquake in Chile, Papua New Guinea, Japan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Vanuatu, Solomon Islands, Argentina, Fiji, Mexico, Tonga, Greece, New Zealand, and many more. There have been a total of 13,370 earthquakes in 2015 alone ranging on the Richter scale from 4.0-8.3 with the deadliest being in Nepal with over 8,000 people dead. (source Wikipedia list of earthquakes 2015)

Refugees from Syria, Mass shootings around the world most recently in Paris, & California.
Some ask, "is it safe to travel?" after some thought my answer is no. Even within our own communities we are taking that risk, however it is so needed. By traveling we represent our country in a way politicians cannot, we show the true American spirit rather then the Hollywood stereotype.

All of these disasters present an opportunity for the human race to step forward and show their better side. We have all seen the worst of humanity with terrorist attacks both domestic and international, now is the time to have the best of humanity come forth and show good still does exist in the world.
Smile at your neighbor stop to help someone as they are struggling, any little act goes a long way. We can fight with kindness. It is time to see the beauty in the world again, both in the culture & beliefs of others as well as in the natural beauty all around.

"I don not agree with what you say but I will defend your right to express it to the last"- Voltaire

Migrant crisis 16th century vs 2015

As the weekend winds down, 2 things have overtaken my Facebook feed; the Paris attacks and the Migrant crisis in Europe. Many people are concerned that Obama is letting migrants into America, but have we stopped to consider the most Americans were once migrants? After the discovery of the "new world" people came (i.e. the mayflower..) for freedom from religious persecutions. They came for freedom from various oppressions (or seemed oppressions for all the ships bearing criminals).

These are my thought and mine alone, if we can sit and deny that type of freedom from others, do we deserve that? Why does it matter where one was born? Not all(in fact most) from the middle east are terrorists, not all Germans were Nazi's, not all Christians were crusaders, not all Americans are sleeping around as many movies portray to the world outside America. Yet when I have travelled to the middle east I have never been injured or attacked, I was always treated with the utmost respect and hospitality. Even in Muslim heavy areas such as Dubai, and Jerusalem, during Ramadan, the muslim month of fasting, I was given clean, cold water and juice after walking into a store from the incredibly hot world outside. They asked for nothing in return. On the occasion I fast I don't offer food or drink to others as it causes a small amount of discomfort to me as I watch them partake of what I am temporarily giving up. I cannot stress this enough, please do not judge a religion, or a culture based on the extreme few. When did we become a country that lived in fear?   We cannot change the world is a load of crap, we all have influence on those around us, use that influence for promoting peace, not biased opinions of hate.

35 reasons to use a travel agent

After being asked this question a few times or having people who think they know it all....

1.Agents by definition courtesy of miriam dictionary: one that acts or exerts power 2: something that produces or is capable of producing an effect: an active or efficient cause

2. they are familiar with the industry

3. they have relationships with vendors/cruiselines/ hotels

4. they have area specific knowledge

5. they have first hand experience

6. they are continually updating themselves on properties, new policies & procedures

7. they are your one stop for vacations

8. they are wonders with groups…. I mean do you want to organize the group with rooms, flights and transfers and then get everyones full legal names and birthdates, payment information for the deposit, the final payments and keep everyone updated?? didn't think so

9. they know about the sales (sometimes they are a bit confusing...)

10. they will work on your behalf before, during and after

11. they come to understand your travel style so while such and such a resort may be raved about by others, they now why you might not like it.

12. they know the ins' and outs of travel

13. they are continually searching travel so they know when your cruise rate has dropped in price

14. they know what locations to ask for on cruise ships, planes, trains and hotels

15. you get all of these added benefits with no additional cost

16. they get paid on commission and that is a small percent, and often host agency's take up to 75% of that so really they aren't rolling in the money. They are in this job because they love travel

17. they really do know what they are talking about

18. they realize that sometimes the extra money to move up a category is worth it. "but I am never in my room, why would I want to get a balcony on my cruise to Alaska?". If I had a cupboard for an inside room I wouldn't ever be in there either, but with my own private balcony I can have my morning breakfast out there and keep an eye out for whales or watch the beautiful landscape.

19. they know what tour company's fit your style. When they suggest you may like this other option it isn't to upsell but because they know you like hotels with easy access to the city and the tour company you are looking at costs less because they use hotels outside the city.

20. they usually know the why's behind "last minute sales" on the internet. the cruise room you are about to book for super cheap is right by the elevator and under the 24hr bar & dance hall… are you sure you want that?

21. they know what resorts and cruise lines have better food/more options, so while your choice may cost less, since you are a food conscious person they know you won't have a great time with the food.

22. whats more worth it in the long run, a great deal but with less options, bad location, or so so food OR paying a bit more and having additional options, a great location and good food choices?

23. they are more reputable then trip advisor with its thousands of stranger reviews, do those people even care about the same stuff you do, or have the same personality/temperament as you?

24. They don't always have the "lowest price" but they do have the "best price" since they have taken into consideration all the little details you may not think about that will make or break your trip.

25. crap you booked with some online booking site and now that you are on your trip something has happened, chances are customer service will tell you "sorry, but there isn't anything we can do" they don't know you so they can just brush you off. Your agent however has worked with you to build this trip, has heard how this is your once in a lifetime dream trip so they want to make sure things get worked out and will do what ever it takes.

26. they know when dining reservations are realized to book for cruise, disney and resorts

27. they keep track of payments, changes and other deadlines so you don't have to

28. they know the Not to miss places & the lesser known not to miss places

29. they continually receive feedback from other clients, vendors, and agents about travel

30. they can help guide you thru airports. i.e. puerto vallarta has its gatlant of time share owners who are very good at making you believe they can take you to your transfer.. a travel agent knows you should ignore these guys and keep walking

31. know the right trips to fit your energy/age level

32. they know local laws

33. best times to travel for sightseeing and best times to travel to save money

34.what to bring or wear

35. what additional charges you may incur on your trip

(a few bonus ones.. cause that's what agents do, throw in some extras)

36. they know what you should purchase now and what you can purchase later

37. they can work with your budget and set up payment plans as needed

38. they can advise and reconfirm special travel needs

39. what activities to book before hand

40. they have done research to find the best price, saving you time and money

41. not sure where you want to go, a travel agent can give you pro's and cons for each place based on your travel style

42. back up copies of all travel information and documents

43. they are great people to know!

The Little Wonder of the Poor Man's Taj Mahal

No trip to India would be complete without an overnight train ride. Lucky for me, Dr. Meera invited us to join her on her trip to Aurangabad. Meera brought delicious food for us for dinner. Lesson learned, if you don't stake your claim on your area, others will join you in your space even if they don't talk to you.  We did maintain our full claim of the top bunk, so between Matt, Hudson and I we each had a chance to take a nap. The only AC the trains have is what comes on the breeze thru the windows, so surprisingly train trips are tiring. When we stop at stations to take on more passengers many people come by the windows to sell food, drink and cigarettes.

Once we got to the end of our rail journey, Meera's family meet us to bring us home to Jaina. We were kindly given the upstairs room with an indoor bathroom and 2 rooms. Our beds were all spread out and ready for us as well, as we were settling in, they brought dinner up as well as dessert a delicious mixture of thin noodles in a sweetened milk with cardomam and it was the perfect end to a long journey.                               

After sitting all day we decided it was a great idea to do some stretches and yoga before bed. Even though my bed consisted of a plush mat on the floor, I have never slept quite so good, and without any sheets or covers at all. 

In the morning we went over to the school and had breakfast with Meera before we got the chance to tour the school and meet some of the students. They were all very proud of their school and the work they have done.  We got to take pictures with the soon to be graduating honors class, as excited as they were to meet us I think they were even more excited to get a break from school work, (I know I would've been). 

Pictures with us and Madame headmaster(whom is one of my Indian mothers, one more reason India will always have my heart).  After pictures we went out to see the Ellorah caves of Aurangabad, they are old temples and palaces that were carved into the hillside, much like those in Petra, Jordan.  The architecture, detail and preservation is amazing!

The next day we were able to perform a little skit the Wizard of OZ with a few alterations became the Wizard of Aurangabad. There is still the Wicked Witch, Dorthy, a scarecrow, a tin man, a TIGER and of course the good fairy (played by yours truly) everyone was so excited they even found me a crown and a wand. I mean what kind of fairy would I be without either one of those?! The kids were adorable to watch, they gasped and sat back in fear when the bad witch let out a cackle. 

After the play Matt gave his presentation on substance abuse, the headmaster called up a few kids and teachers to tell what they had learned. One lady got up and said her husband needed help and she had no idea what to do, but now she knew where to start and how to help him but most importantly of all has the courage and support to intervene and help him. 

To round out the presentation there was a ceremony where they honored Meera and all she does, and then gave us beautiful flower leis and gifts the kids had made of popsicle sticks with a card. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever given me, (sadly mine got left behind somehow). 

We finished the day with a trip to the Poor Mans Taj Mahal, similar to the Taj Mahal, but on a smaller scale and built with limestone. The grandson of Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan built it for his mother to show his love.

The last place I went was the old fort, we all hiked up and as it started to pour I took refuge in an old alcove. A man and two young girls joined me as we waited out the storm.  As I was talking with them I found out one of the girls was married to this man, this is probably the first time I was really exposed to child marriage. They were very sweet but still to witness how young she is….

Ending the trip we went to many historical places in Aurangabad including the Mill that is home to a 600 year old tree(talk about old), all of them absolutely amazing. As we were driving we got word that my bus back to Hyderabad had been canceled due to weather/road conditions. Everyone was amazing in getting 3 tickets on the train back to Hyderabad so I could make my flight back to the USA. I don't know how they did it as the train was completely booked which is why we were going on the bus in the first place. After a thrilling ride thru traffic we got to the station in the knick of time to catch train 1. Everything was arranged for us and they even gave us a contact to help us on our way. The hospitality always amazes me and inspires me to be a better person. The next train we had beds to sleep on which was fantastic. I am always worried getting on and off trains with luggage that somehow only half will make it, but with Hudson and Ann's help me and all my luggage made it to the airport (again in the knick of time) to catch my flight. What a way to end my sojourn in India. I have left a part of my heart there with each of my mothers, sisters, & brothers. Until we meet again.

I love all the positive quotes and advice around the school

Wonders of New Delhi!

Last leg of the trip, Delhi. After we hired our taxi driver to take us from Agra to Delhi I am pretty sure we all fell asleep. I can't help it, something about car rides in the rain are magical to me and lull me to sleep. We had a rough start, the hostel we were going to stay at was completely booked, but we did get a few recommendations from the staff for other hotels. 

Hudson and I went to check out a couple hotels while the group sat with our stuff. Once we decided on our hotel we went out to explore and found a great little restaurant tucked away amongst the shops. 

Finally the true moment I had been waiting for, the 4th of July celebration for American citizens at the embassy. I had prepared for this, once I realized there was a celebration in Delhi I began working on my fellow friends to help them realize their own desire to go party. In Darjheeling Ann and I had found these awesome leggings to enhance the American spirit. Oh and US passport  is required to enter. 

Once in there was american food, games, and FIREWORKS! 

The best part was the dancing, I love a good dance party and once Ann and I got up and danced our little hearts out we were joined but many more fellow American citizens. Dancing has never felt so good.
Once the party ended I met one of the members that work at the embassy, we chatted and had a great time, she introduced me (and in turn everyone else in the group) to other ex-pats. We passed the test(mostly since we don't drink) and were invited to join them at the Belgium embassy to watch the World Cup in the quarter finals as they played against Argentina. The Belgians provided Beer which everyone was super excited about, and since we don't drink we became their new favorite friends.
It was such an amazing experience to have, this trip was so worth the stress and effort.

Sunday we found a ward (very difficult to find the meetinghouse) and attended church. After we went to the Lotus temple. Beware there is a long winding line to get into the grounds, but it goes fairly quickly. It was such a beautiful and peaceful place from the building to the grounds, totally worth the wait. The Bahia faith is a beautiful belief.

The more I travel and learn about other cultures, religions, and beliefs I realize we as the human race have much more in common than not. Yet as humans we to often focus on the differences and let those differences tear us apart. What would the world be like our main export was respect, and love for one another. We are all living our own personal truths and doing what we can to survive and thrive in this life. How amazing would it be if we all stopped to help another? This is one thing that impacts me the most about travel, I am representing my country, my religion and woman. Am I leaving people better than I found them, with a positive lasting impact so one day when someone speaks ill of what I represent and hold dear, the individual I met will think twice before believing that ill.
We often hear one person can't change the world.. But one person can if we believe in ourselves, for better or worse. To name a few people that changed the world. Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Buddha, Jesus Christ, Muhammad, Michael Jordan, Nelson Mandela, Walt Disney, Madam Curie, Florence Nightingale the list goes on and on. So yes, I believe a smile and a positive word can change the world.

Back to our Delhi trip, to end the vacation we met up with one of our friends from the embassy to get lunch before we left.
Ann & I both ordered salads and this (to the left) is how they came.. Something different… After we grabbed a couple of Autos and raced to the airport, barely making it in time to catch the bus from the auto drop off to the airport, and then barely making it to check in for our flight. We even got an escort to get us thru security and down the terminal to our flight. Turns out my seat was double booked so I enjoyed a nice flight in 1st class. It is a miracle we have not missed a flight or bus in this country when traveling. We have had so man "walk on" moments.








Lastly one of my favorite things in India but especially Delhi are the "warning" signs and slogans. The picture below says STOP Criticizing. Thank you India for reminding us to be better people.