When I have a trip planned it becomes my anchor in the darkness, "if I can make it to that trip, if I can go and not let those travel companions down..." These thoughts become my mantra until the darkness passes.
Mine is a story that started long ago. Life was good, growing up, I had no idea we were tight on money, because we were rich in love. However somehow I convinced myself many a time that I wasn't loved. I remember one such episode during a tea party squirming out of my mothers lap convinced I was adopted (which I wasn't) and crying out "you don't love me, how could you love me! I was adopted and you love me less" although I was 100% biologically theirs and 100% loved.
Perhaps that is when the signs began. My parents did much for me to show their love, because they did in fact love me. As life went on, I continued having minor episodes. I often sang "nobody loves me everybody hates me. I'm gonna eat some worms" (which makes no sense at all in fact) I was tender hearted as a child and I was unintentionally hurt by much that went on around me.
I remember when it became a more permanent part of my life. We had just gone to the bookstore, ( I was an avid bookworm, perhaps as a means to escape the world). I had purchased 3 new books I was excited about, the top priority was "girls of many lands: spring pearl" however once I got it home, the books sat there. I had lost all desire to read almost overnight.
The Year IT became more permanent and extreme
After a week or two I was looking thru a book,(you know one of those informational ones) when I stumbled across a 'quiz' to determine if you were suffering from depression. After answering yes to many of the questions, I knew I was suffering but didn't know where to turn.
Things escalated from there, we tried lots of cures every now and then. But we all assumed it was just a short phase I was going thru in relation to being a teenager. But one day turned into one month that turned into a year. Soon I was just to ashamed and frightened to speak of IT. I was different in a huge way, and I didn't want to bring others down. I wanted them to be happy, so I felt a conflict within myself. Do I stay around others in attempt to be happy, or do I stay away to allow them to be happy. I struggled with that decision, Oh how I needed others around, but I didn't have the emotional or physical energy to be "enjoyable". It gets exhausting putting an act on every time you go around people. I opened up to a few but in the end they always left, and soon it became to painful to bare.
I lost the love of my life in this battle. My best friend and confident, a wonderful listener and a cure, on days I could muster my energy I would go out, saddle up my horse and go for a good ride. But as the depression deepened I lost motivation to go out and ride my beautiful girl. When we sold her I cried all my tears out. That was the last time I had a "good" cry for many years.
http://www.snowyriverquarterhorses.com/mares.html
You see when you have a crater in your mind you think something is wrong. And there is something wrong, it's just not visible to the naked eye, it comes without rhyme or reason. It is almost a cancer of emotions, your brain turns on you, instead of rational positive thoughts you fight a silent battle in your head, everyday, against your mind.
Back to the analogy of the crater, that is literally what it is, not a whole, or a pit. It is a crater. The craters I have seen are always huge, it takes a few hours to hike down, (often it looks like a quick jaunt, but it is deceptive) it's not something you can easily fill, it would take lots of man power and time to fill those craters.
So it is in my mind, there is no quick solutions, we can bandage it sure, but the crater is still there. Lurking, waiting to make it's appearance when you least expect it. Often there are no signs, one day I'm happy loving life, the next morning I am down. One thing that frustrates me is knowing people want and are willing to help, and are waiting for me to let them in, however when I don't even know how to help myself, how can I tell you? Sure there are little things that comfort, but often those don't exist, when you are in a complete state of not-caring, of emptiness.
That time of my life was awkward and hard (as it is for everyone) going thru junior high, I hid that part of myself deep inside where no one could find it. I believed if people saw how I truly was they would opt out of friendship which hurt worse then keeping that part of me under wraps. So I began to block all emotions. The thing about blocking emotion is that you don't get to pick and chose what emotions you block, they are all tied together. Kind of like, you know no sorrow and therefore you also know no joy. Only instead of blocking sorrow you fall into a pit, a lonely pit. The human body is meant to feel emotion. When you don't, you become frustrated, and need to feel something yet again. But to truly feel real emotion is to risky so you substitute it for something else.
*Photoshoot with Mykele Kennington*
I don't like to think back on that time. I had moments of rescue. A good friend, a young women leader, a seminary teacher and a dance coach. They came in moments. But none was ever permanent enough to fully confide in.
During those years I became a very good actress, putting on a genuine smile, making people laugh or setting that inner self quite for a time to lend a listening ear, but it came with a cost.
I began to think of myself as lazy. Everything required so much energy. School, socializing, working out. Getting out of bed...Especially getting out of bed. Everyone determined I just wasn't a morning person, when in fact I love mornings, but getting up was asking to much somedays. It was safer to go back to the land of nothingness where I wasn't depressed, where I didn't have to pretend to be happy, and loving life, I didn't have to worry about acceptance. I just had to be me, or rather I just had to fall into a blissful state of nothingness.
Nap Taking in London after a long day in the City
As you can imagine this made so many things difficult, things like school, working and going out with friends seemed like a marathon somedays. I was annoyed that I didn't want to go out. I liked people, and that's what this time of life includes right? Because I was annoyed it lead to more self-criticisms, which brought me lower. It was a vicious cycle, cropping up when least expected. Finally I'd had enough after 13 years of a lonely war, which felt never ending, I opened up to a close tight group of friends.
That may have been one of the most scary times of my life. I was afraid their friendship would fade away, or they would always treat me as if I needed space. When in fact I needed the opposite, I needed someone to care but not push. To say I love you and when your ready I'm here for you. Be close by but not invading, entertaining themselves so I don't feel pressured.
I'm so happy to say they did stick by me, and offered 200% support, which I feel to this day, and aids me in fighting battles, even, and especially, when I'm alone.
I have started down a path, but it isn't over. I'm learning to enjoy the journey and open up and allow people to help me. I believe helping people is the reason we are alive.
So here is to many more years of joy to come!
Resources that have helped me
http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-everett/2014/06/what-its-like-to-be-in-love-when-you-have-depression/
http://www.mormonchannel.org/enduring-it-well/41
*This is what helped me realize I can have a life and family, even if my depression never goes completely away.
http://twloha.com/blog/between
*Again another article that helped me realize I am not alone.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/pre-post-transition-post.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
* Very well told (& Illustrated) But be warned there is swearing in her posts.
